Its amazing how long it can take some people to figure things out…
To end their misery.
I have told myself over and over that “nobody can make me happy…only I can”.
And though I have spoken those words aloud and otherwise… it was not until
today that I said it out loud and it fuckin hit me…empowered me!
It was new… a moment in stillness that reverberated through me.
Why?? Because it means the difference between a miserable existence and a happy one.
I always believed that thought to apply to myself searching for happiness through men… which of coarse is applicable. But I now realize it applies to anything or anyone outside of yourself. Which is everything.
Sadly, my children do not live with me, and the pain of that fact has nearly seen me to my demise.
Does that mean I don’t want my children?? FUCK NO!!! I want them more than I can express. And every chance I get I will see them and eventually live next door to them… or in their backyards. But the point is… even my children should not, are not, and can not be responsible for my happiness. They make me beyond happy and make my heart explode, but though they are my reason to breathe, I should be my reason to breathe. I should crave life for ME.
As Buddha said:
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
I had this epiphany today… beautiful, powerful, full of energy. And as I write this, I realize….
I am still broken.