Not On My Watch
Oh my fucking Jesus. Really?? I had to leave work early to pick B up.
Why? He decided to get fucked up on some drug and could barely talk when he called me for a ride.
I am fuming, furious, sick to my stomach over how I might find him. Walking into the side door of his work and the dark room to his “camera room” for Loss Prevention, I want to punch him in the face.
He sits there, slumping in the chair. He tries to speak but just slurs.
– Hi baby girl- All sloppy and slurry.
I look at him and think of everything imaginable from clawing out his eyes to ripping his hair out. When will this end?? His addiction just seem to get worse and worse and I cannot do a fucking thing about it.
I help him out of his seat and realize just how drugged up he is. He is barely able to stand, let alone walk.
~ What did you take B?? More pills?~
He shows me an empty vial of Ativan. Liquid Ativan. So… apparently his addictions have crossed over into injecting shit into his already damaged body.
B cackles. So impressed with himself. It’s his usual reaction when he knows he has seriously crossed a line. Great! I love the cackle B, make me love you even more. NOT.
He reaches into his pocket before we reach his car to drive home and pulls out ANOTHER liquid vial of Ativan. My head is spinning. How can you be enraged and in love with the same breath.
~ Give it to me B. NOW.~
B hands it over, still cackling. I am too kind and help him into the passenger side of his car… thinking of how to dispose of the Ativan. I close his car door and I realize I have the perfect solution. Not one he will like, but one that I will.
Poor B, he is going to be fuming. ((I smile)). I place the vial behind the back tire and then get into the driver side. I turn the ignition, put the car in reverse, and roll that shit over. As I pull away, I am satisfied to see the vial smashed into smithereens.
– Where’s my vial?-
~ You don’t have a vial anymore. Too bad, so sad.~
Of course his response does not come as a shock… the cackle.
– I can get more baby girl. I love you baby girl.- All sloppy and slurred.
UGH. I just look at him with the look of death. Was he just getting high…or trying to die. Probably trying to die…as he has been trying to die from the moment I met him.
Not today B… not on my fucking watch.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **