What came first… the chicken or the egg??
As I was growing up, I had a very turbulent childhood. My Mom was a young Mother (17 yrs old) who gave birth to me in the 70’s…my Father was young and their lives were about partying, fighting, and making up. Or at least, that is how I remember it. I lived in a world of “contact” highs and desert parties. My Dad was not the best person in the world and was in Prison when I was born. He had a problem keeping his hands off other peoples property and apparently he wasn’t good at it either. Sadly, my Father also thought that abusing my Mother was OK. Thank God he never touched me and my sister (other than plain old spankings and time outs)… but he didn’t have a “hands off policy” when it came to my Mom.
So I ponder… my mood disorders are surely hereditary, my Dads side of the family is saturated with mental health problems and on my Moms side of the family I actually had a Great Uncle whose mind “snapped” and he lived out most of his life in a mental institution. So I ponder… what triggered my Mood disorders?? Was it my childhood and the instability I experienced? Sexual abuse? Hearing and knowing my Mom was being beaten by my Dad? My Dad beating our Dogs… possibly even killing them?
Was the disorder always there just waiting to come out?? Was it dormant and then triggered later in life to come out in full swing?
I have no clue. All I do know is that when I was 11, I was depressed. The poems I wrote from that time make me giggle… they are silly and obviously a product of the late 80’s. LOL. I laugh about that but in all honesty they are dark and gloomy. Nothing happy and preteen”ish” about them.
I always wonder… if my childhood had been “average”… lacking craziness and more craziness, would I have these disorders? Would they still have made their way out to play? I think so. I have to take heredity into account. I do have friends who have had amazing childhoods but that at some point BD decided to rear its ugly head. I guess I should count myself lucky… hey, at least I am not normal or average. 😉