Me and my gorgeous little ones.
Years later I remarry and have 2 more children… beautiful and amazing babies. My ex-husband was in the military and we moved away from my big kids to TX. While in TX, he had 3 deployments in 3 years. On his second deployment, they deployed him weeks before the due date of our second child, so I gave birth alone… and had to care for my toddler son. After I had my daughter, I started to “crack”. I had in upwards of 5 panic attacks a day… to the point of being afraid to drive. When he returned from the deployment I expected everything to go back normal, but it didn’t. I couldn’t sleep, was psychosomatic, depressed, and suffering horrible anxiety, mania, and rapid cycling.. When his 3rd deployment came along, I thought I could handle it but I couldn’t. I must state that I was in denial about my mental disorders. I decided to leave and go back to my home state. So I packed me and the babies up and instantly ran into the arms of another man. I was so f*cking stupid. This man was abusing my youngest son under my nose. At the time I had custody of 3 of my children… the 2 little ones and my oldest daughter. Finally, I noticed horrible marks on my son and took him to the doctor… they didn’t know what was wrong with him… said he was slightly anemic… but I knew something was wrong. I took my son to 3 doctors and then the ER where they determined it was abuse. Read here about his abuse. I wasn’t even thinking it was the guy I was with… I was blind to that at first. My son is Autistic and had a moderate speech delay at the time and would give me many answers when I asked him how he was getting “booboo’s”. At the ER, CPS got involved and I had to speak to the detective. While talking to the detective, CPS ran off with my son… LITERALLY. I almost died. I had to meet CPS at my residence to hand over my 2 daughters. My oldest could go to her Dads but she refused and went to child haven with my little ones…she didn’t want them to go alone. Everyday I wanted to die for not recognizing the abuse going on…things would have turned out so different if I had.
Of course, I called the babies Dad back from Iraq so he could take custody of the kids. CPS was making me take “Non-offending” parenting classes to recognize the signs of abuse. I was the ONLY woman in the group who believed it was the boyfriend…all others made excuses.
The babies Dad got there and took custody of the kids and we agreed to divorce so that the kids wouldn’t get pulled back into the system in the event that he got relocated to another station. The divorce was only for that reason. He led me to believe that he and I would try to fix our marriage. I truly thought that we would.
When I got the divorce papers, there was a restraining order against me, and I was ordered for a Psych evaluation. I called him instantly because there was no reason to play dirty…we agreed to divorce and as soon as I was done with the classes I planned to move back to them in TX. Needless to say, that never was his intention and we never tried working on our marriage. For a second time, I had lost all that mattered to me and it made me face the very real debilitating illnesses I was inflicted with.
I can’t begin to explain the depression that happened. I have cried every single day since the end of 09. My oldest daughter went back to her Dad and I had a complete breakdown that still lingers in the background to this day.
I know my babies are healthy and happy, but I don’t feel healthy living without them. It breaks my heart that I was so foolish a 2nd time… I was gullible. Everything I lived for was taken from me and I wanted nothing more than my heart to stop. Then, one day, I decided that I needed to start living for ME so that I could be there for them…and so I struggle, yet move forward. My children have been my heaven… this life has felt like my personal hell. One day, hopefully soon, I will not hurt so much and know to my core that this life is worth more than my personal hell.
It certainly has been brutal, yet I stand and I will continue to do so. ♥