My life closed twice before its close My life closed twice before its close— It yet remains to see If Immortality unveil A third event to me So huge, so hopeless to conceive As these that twice befell. Parting is all we know of heaven, And all we need of hell. Emily Dickinson
I have quoted this poem before as I have a very strong feeling that resonates with this exquisite poem. Why you may ask? I relate it to my experience with my children. You see… twice I have lost my children and have not raised them. Not that I “lost” them because I did something horribly wrong but because I didn’t know how to fight and was too trusting to other individuals involved.
Fate was cruel to me in the same regards twice in my life. Some people cannot fathom why a Mother would not have custody of her children. I have often heard (out of the mouths of insensitive women) “I would fight till the death for my children”. Insinuating that, though my fight to the death has been different, it is somehow not worthy of being a good Mom. I am a great Mom. Yes, I have made mistakes that I pay dearly for… but none warrant me to be unworthy of raising my children.
So what does it feel like to not have custody of my children? For those of you in a similar position, I am sure you can relate… for others, let me just say it is a very large chunk of what I like to call hell. I feel like pieces of me are gone all the time… like I am missing pieces of my heart. I have cried years on end because of this and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
“My life closed twice before its close” because twice, fate has not allowed me custody of my children. I certainly do hope that immortality will unveil a third event to me… hopefully a most beautiful, healing event.
“So huge, so hopeless to conceive As these that twice befell. Parting is all we know of heaven, and all we need of hell”. When I part with my children, I sincerely taste the sweetness of heaven in their presence… yet it is all I need of hell.
Do I fight to the death for my children? Maybe to an outsider, the answer would be no. I do not fight in the way that you may think. But I fight. I have fought to get myself healthy for them… I have fought to realize that what they need in their life is 100% stability, of which I struggle with… I have fought to be SELFLESS and allow them to continue in the life they are use to instead of trying to battle and take them for my own selfish needs… I have fought to the death for my life, to remain in theirs, when the light of “hope” was extinguished… I have fought for my sanity to be all that they need… I fight daily to hold back tears because all in all, they are healthy and happy.
While I may be in constant pain without them, I know that they are more happy than not and that they are safe. Is there anything more I could want for them. Of course I want them and I need them. I will be a “constant” in their lives. At some point, they will have the choice to live where they would like… so I FIGHT every single day on the person I am so that when the day comes that they want to live with me… I am standing there with open arms, 100% capable. That is how I fight. ♥♥♥♥