** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Here Is The Ego
– Come with me to my parents house. –
B is frantic. His forehead is beaded with sweat and his eyes are wild and darting around like a mad man. He is highly agitated. He is angry. He is vengeful.
~ I don’t see how going over there is going to help anything. I think chilling out is the best option right now and then go and talk to them. ~
I am trying desperately to keep him at the house. Nothing feels right. His anger and anxiety have reached a new high and I am very frightened over what is going to happen next.
Apparently he is upset at his parents over something, I think over a vehicle. You see, B has always had nice vehicles paid for by his parents, and while he is currently driving a company SUV, he is not happy about it. But hey, privileges are removed when you act up…and B was great at acting up.
– Either fucking come with me and be by my side as my fiance who supports me… or… –
B is shaking his head in disgust and disbelief that I am refusing to go along.
How do I extinguish this before escalates into something tragic?
I swear I am at my breaking point with this man.
B, his cackle so devious, his eyes WILD, his lips dangerously curved into a wicked smile… he pulls out a nice large gun.
Where the fuck did that come from?! I have taken away guns. We agreed he is never to own one, so where did this come from??
-You won’t go and support me… do you not care and see how unfair this all is? –
~ B, give me the gun. This is no time to have a gun out. ~
– What are you afraid of baby girl? –
He cackles, eyes set on fire and uncontrollably wild.
– Are you afraid I will do this?! –
Everything is in slow motion at this point.
He slowly takes the hand the gun is in and lifts it up toward his face.
I inhale to scream in protest but can’t find words… nor the air needed to fill my lungs.
Everything is so slow. It feels like it is taking an eternity to place that gun in his mouth.
Yet, time stands still for nobody, and he manages to place the gun in the very place he will certainly one day use to end his life.
I stand there… frozen. Finally I find my voice…
~Baby, please don’t do this… it isn’t worth it! I need you so much. What would I be without you?!~
In excruciatingly slow motion, he removes his mouth from around the barrel and brings the gun down to his side.
I am in the midst of chaos… insanity.
– Either you come with me or not, but I am going and I would really like your support. –
B heads out of the apartment and right down to the car.
I race out …chasing him.
I open the passenger door of the car…standing with one leg in and the rest of me out. B is standing just outside the driver door.
I take note of the little kids playing so close by, and the big shiny gun in B’s hand.
~ I will go with you… but let me take the gun upstairs to our apartment. ~
– FUCK THAT. I want them to see what they do to me. –
~ B, please give me the gun and we can go talk to them, or lets stay here. What do you need to prove with that gun anyways! ~
– I love you baby girl. Are you afraid I will do this in front of everyone… –
B calmly places the barrel of the gun in his mouth again, this time he maintains eye contact with me.
I shut my eyes. Seared into my mind is that last image… the gun in his mouth.
I squeeze my eyes shut and wait for the “bang”… all the while worried about those poor kids that are now watching… looking terrified.
I open my eyes and scream at the kids to go home.
~ Go home now! ~
Just as I did, B removed the gun from his mouth and jumped into the car.
– Come with me and support me, or don’t. –
I stepped out of the car and chose not to go.
The tires squealed as he maniacally pulled out.
Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!
I must call his parents.
I dial their phone number immediately…
– Hello? –
~ You need to lock up the house or leave! B is on the way over, he is acting crazy…and he is bringing a gun. I am sorry, I tried stopping him. ~
– Thank you for calling to let us know, I am going to call the police. –
I call B over and over but he will not answer his phone. I figured the police would be a deterrent.
I jump in my car and head to his parents house. I beat him there and notice that his parents have completely locked down the house. The police are there.
I watch B’s car slowly pull up.
He gets out and is comically irritated. Donning that devilish smirk, wild eyes, cackling. Here is the ego.
© bipolarmuse 2012
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