** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Left With Wondering Why
OH MY GOD.
I can’t breathe. All of the oxygen is being pulled from my lungs…
the tears hold it for ransom.
I can’t stop crying…all I can manage is to lay on the floor curled up into a ball.
Every muscle aching, on fire. Wanting to jump out of my skin.
I got the dreaded call.
As always, my phone was off while I slept and I awoke to a new message.
– Hi Bipalarmuse, it’s J…call me as soon as you get this. I love you. –
This is it. This is the dreaded call. But what if it’s not. What if B is just putting her up to calling me to get me to talk to him.
I am hoping and praying as I dial her number.
– Hello? –
~ Is everything ok? ~
Hysteria is setting in.
– Bipolarmuse, B killed himself last night. He is gone. –
~ Oh no,no, NO. Did he overdose?? ~
– No, he shot himself. –
Just as he had said he would do. I was hoping to hear “overdose” because that COULD be accidental. What does it fuckin matter though, either way he is gone. GONE.
~ Oh my God J… he did it. ~
My voice is hard to control. Waves of physical sickness hit me with tremendous force. I am starting to die.
– Call his cousin and talk to him, he can go over all the details… and he could use a call from you. –
I can’t breathe.
I can’t see.
Salty tears are burning mascara into my eyes.
The details? Oh yes… the details of what led up to his death. That’s what she means. I can’t shake the shock that’s setting in.
~ Oh my God J… I was going to call him today. I told my friends last night at a birthday dinner that I was going to break down and call him today. I should have called last night! Are you sure it is him? 100% sure? ~
– He didn’t have his phone on him… there was nothing anyone could do… nobody could reach him. –
I was in shock. Maybe it was someone else… Maybe?
I couldn’t stop saying “no”. It just repeated over and over in my head… out of my mouth.
She gave me some of the details.
He ransacked his Moms purse for money… the locks were changed on the doors… he bought and installed a radio and/or speakers in a friends car… this friend kept a gun in the glove box… he stole the gun from this friend… later that night he was on some sort of drugs and just up and left from a friends house… the friends went out searching for him… they found him pulled over on the side of the road… they were to late… he was already gone… he had shot himself with a 9mm… my picture was on the steering wheel.
– Bipolarmuse, he loved you so much. He had a picture of you with him, it was on the steering wheel. He probably wanted you to know he loved you and wanted you to be the last person he saw. It was there out of love. I know that, otherwise I wouldn’t have told you. –
I am ill… my picture was there? Was it love, was it anger? What was the true meaning of my photo being there?? Why not a note explaining why?? Why??
I am forever left with wondering why?
© bipolarmuse 2012
- Bipolarmuse♥ Here is the Ego (bipolarmuse.com)
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- Bipolarmuse ♥ Here is the Ego- continued (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ The Ex… Pregnant? (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ I Waited (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not On My Watch (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Sweet Smile (bipolarmuse.com)