Have you ever lost time?
Seems like a crazy question, doesn’t it?
Over the years, I have noticed “gaps” in time where I do not remember certain time frames, and certain events. Obviously this is my brains way of coping and surviving trauma, but what really ticks me off is that if it is going to happen, make it count and help me “lose” all the horrible life experiences that have taken their toll on my life and still cause my pain today. Stupid brain, get with it!!
What I am concerned with is that over the last few years, I am noticing those “gaps” in time, but now, others notice my time gaps as well.
We all might forget what we ate for breakfast, or what time a dinner party begins… but it is something different entirely when you don’t recall movies watched in a theater and at home. I am not talking about “forgetting” I watched a certain movie, plopping it into the DVD, and then realizing I did indeed watch it, I just forgot the name of it. No, I am not talking about something as simple as that.
What I am talking about is moments totally GONE. I repeat GONE. Asking my boyfriend to play the trailer to a movie I want to see, and then lovingly informed I had already watched it. I deny it and have him play the movie trailer anyways, and as I am watching it, it looks like a brand new movie I have NEVER seen. Again, I am told I have seen it and that, as a matter of fact, we had watched it at the movie theater down the street from our house less than two weeks ago.
No, he has to be wrong. I would certainly remember a zombie movie with Brad Pitt in it…. wouldn’t I??
You would think that at some point when re-watching the movie I “have already seen”, that I would recognize something, anything, during the nearly 2 hours of productions right? Yet, NOPE. I recall absolutely nothing other than stating 3 weeks ago that I wanted to see that movie.
One such movie was a kids movie… which my boyfriend would never watch on his own cause it isn’t his thing… and he swore up and down that we already watched it. I told him he had to be mistaken and that I had been wanting to see it for quite some time so I would certainly remember watching it. I turn it on and as a certain scene comes up, my boyfriend tells me what is coming up and even proceeds to tell me of the comment I had made during that particular scene in the movie. None of this is familiar at all… not even a fleeting moment of dejavu… it is as though I am watching it for the first time.
This type of “lost time” is quite scary to me. I don’t understand why it happens, I don’t know if something specific triggers it or if it just comes and goes as it wants.
I also get a weird feeling from time to time… and this TERRIFIES me… where I will be shopping or something, and I will glance up and look around, with panic creeping up quickly because I do not “recognize” where I am at. It only lasts for a moment or so and then I start calming down. Why does this happen??
I understand when I lose time over a time frame or a horrible past moment… that makes sense… I know my brain can’t cope, so it resorts to that in order to survive… but why in the world would I lose time during normal day to day living that is not traumatic in any way. It always feels “tragic” without my children, but it isn’t painfully traumatic, mournfully traumatic… just tragic because I do not want to live without them with me, but I am forced to do so.
So why is this happening?
I have ruled out medications, leaving pretty much nothing else to question. Are these early signs of Alzheimer’s or Dementia?
Oh my gosh, I hope not… I am not even 40 yet…