My dear Muses… my silence has not been of a good sort. For a couple years I had to struggle with not seeing my small children because they moved to Germany, and I have been unable to get a passport (however, that is changing soon). The last year, I started coming out of the fog and at least started showering and brushing my teeth on a daily basis… knowing my children would be stateside once again soon. I did have other contributing factors, but the primary issue was severe depression.
Then, the worst occurred…. their Dad decided to stay another 3 yrs. So… I am missing out on the youngest years when they still adore, me and they will come back as a teen and preteen when they will possibly hate me, and stop talking to me the way the little children do… the ALWAYS adore Mom and DAD until hormones kick in… lol…and the cuddles will end. – At least that’s how my brain is torturing me, at this time.
So I am struggling with not falling down that rabbit hole again.
I fluctuate between hating myself…. baring with myself… and don’t know how to just accept what is and love myself.
So I take it day by day and sometimes I wish for a manic period so I could feel something other than how I feel.
But I will never give up… my children, big and small… are what it is all about. Healthy for me is the best for them.
So I press forward… slow as it may seem.