I awoke today from a night of tossing and turning, but for once, I didn’t feel exhausted and the need to go back to sleep. So I stayed up! (YAY ME!) I’ve been doing things this morning that I have put off for too long, and as I sit here, dare I say I feel “Happy” today. Happy is not my go-to emotion each day when I awake, so when I do have it, I cherish it and try to figure the cosmic code to repeat this thing called “Happy”.
I do have to admit I went to several appointments yesterday… and one was with my first therapist since I returned here 4 yrs ago. Not for lack of trying!!! We have a horrible medical system here… especially when it comes to Medicare and the low number of Doctor’s who will not take it. I don’t want to bore you with that nonsense… so lets get back to “Happy”.
My saving grace is that I have a most amazing friend who has an awesome Mom I adore, and the Mom’s husband happens to be in the mental health field, and the “main Man” (for lack of a better word) for the group he works for. By the grace of my Creator, I happen to know them both, both are wonderful, kind-hearted, and care… truly care… and they entrust me with their sweet little furbabies, and their home, whenever they are away. It is lovely… I cuddle, and love on the doggies, catch up on crafts… etc. You get what I am sayin’… So…
These lovely people helped me get in right away with a therapist and set me up to see the Psychiatrist. When I arrived for my appointment, the young lady informed me they only took the HMO version of my insurance….(SAY HUH?) I explained who referred me and not another word was said. She collected my “Specialist co-pay”, I filled out all the new patient paperwork, and got to see the therapist!!!!! I was so happy I was crying. There’s that word “Happy” again!!
Not only that, but there are times (most often) where I
do not care for my therapist… our viewpoints may be different, they talk to much about their own experiences instead of helping me with mine, or I feel more educated than them when it comes to psychology… this girl has been around the block~ a million times~ so we can bypass the “beginner” cra therapy & move onto the “veteran” cra therapy. That being said… as I am answering his questions, he would throw out short, simple, yet insightful & EFFECTIVE thoughts, viewpoints, perspectives, and they aligned with my personal belief system… and it just “clicked” if that makes sense. I also like that he is considerably older than I am… he has experienced more, whether good or bad, I appreciate that. How lucky did I get?!
Now, of course I will NEVER quite get over the hurt of not having my children, I love and adore them, I felt their life within me… my life was theirs. Their first sound was of my heart beating, and for me, it beat FOR them, all four. Missing out on the things I can’t get back… it hurts and it probably always will to some degree, but… I can learn to accept it and make it the best experience possible.
~There is SO much good to look forward to… I need to plant that seed~ feed it, water it, let it bloom and grow, and then nurture it so it only gets stronger.~♥
Besides, as he reminded me, my children NEED a mentally healthy Momma, because they do pick up on the depression, there’s no mask that hides it completely. I need to help grow and mold them into being healthy, happy, and mentally stable… because when it comes down to it… their happiness, health (physical and mental), and love fills my heart…~~~ I
never stopped to think that at some point they will feel MY happiness, health, and love will fill their hearts as well.
I am super excited and thrilled about this next chapter, and this therapist expressed he was honored to work with me and help me drive forward without using the rear-view mirror…. How has that worked out for me so far, he seemed to ask without quite asking.
The answer is that it hasn’t worked well at all… and it’s nearly destroyed me, and certainly affected many, if not all of those who are close to me. This is not acceptable…
Tomorrow…. My GRATITUDE List