At one time, I truly believed that I did not have an addictive personality.
As of late, I am not so sure that is true.
My Dad had addiction problems, as did a good portion of his family. My Mom had issues as well, and while drug addiction wasn’t the culprit per-say (sp √) , alcohol was… alcohol and mental issues ran rampant, and interestingly, so did religion.
Not me though. Oh no. I was
ABOVE addiction. I was BETTER than they were… BETTER than them all, and I was going to dictate my life. ME. Not a drug. Not alcohol. I was better, I was smarter, and I was going to fucking prove it.
Oh, to be young and naive… to live inside that young, optimistic, questionably delusional head of mine with the amazing fantasy life I had created… where I was the star. I was going to be the one to break the chains of poor choices, break those patterns of addiction.
Rise above …
Now, with a wiser self, a HUMBLED self… I reflect on the life I have lived, the choices made… and reflect on the way I viewed others as a young person… as I reflect on these things, big and small, I have come to see, to realize, and to truly ‘get it’…
this “aahhHaa” moment that is most certainly life-changing…
Addiction has ALWAYS been there.
Addiction took hold,
all without me knowing.
Addiction became ME.
It hid itself in the form of “writing”… that was the start. Then singing and writing songs.
Some may call it “drive”, some “talent”… some may call it “mania”… the need to dive into something so wholeheartedly nothing else matters…
I find my truth to be a touch of them all.
It then showed itself in religious studies. Hours upon hours of studying the bible… memorizing. It took over my life.
Then that was handed off to exercise. I worked out 2 hours at the gym… 365 days a yr, even holidays. That isn’t too bad… but then I would go home and workout more. 5 miles on my treadmill. At least 1 hour long Tai Bo workout… followed by extra upper body weight training. Topped off with an evening walk of 2 more miles.
Then it showed itself in more hobbies. I taught myself how to make homemade candles, lotions, and soaps. I also taught myself to crochet. HOURS upon HOURS of these things. I could never just “sit” to relax… I had to constantly be working on something.
Next, I spent unimaginable hours teaching myself how to build websites in order to sell my addictive hobbies to fund the nonstop items I would make… and the money spent on these hobbies. I used a web “builder” and built my page from scratch… adding fancy links to a shopping cart connected to my site… adding tempting photos and descriptions.
All of these things stole my precious time from my children… from my husband… from my family.
Yet, I never saw that… until now.
Now that I CAN sit to just sit. To relax. To sit and think through the actions of my life.
I was fortunate though… one time did I find myself addicted to a substance… but just as quickly as the need for it came about, it disappeared the same way. It continues to shock me.
Some may argue that it is not addiction I am talking about… but I believe they were addictions, they were needed for my self-worth, needed for my functioning. Anything that is needed in such a way, is not normal. It wasn’t about joy, or finding comfort in those things… they were things I had to do, and if I didn’t do them, I felt as though I would crawl out of my skin and be found rocking in the corner.
Now… through mindfulness based therapy… I have learned to be still. More importantly, I have learned that being still is much more important to my health than being obsessed, addicted, to some sort of action or substance.
I will always battle with this I am sure. My mind is clearer now and I carefully “watch” my actions… and monitor my inner dialogue… and, most important of all…
I have learned
© bipolarmuse 2016