Beautifully asked by Adam Lambert. “What do you want from me”??
May is such a hellish month for me… and June too. In May of 2002 my ex-boyfriend shot and killed himself. It was absolutely devastating to me and the thought can still steal the breath from my chest. The horrific events and his untimely death will haunt me for the rest of my life. I have to give him credit though because he did always say he would never live to see 25 yrs of age…. and he didn’t. Our life together was an insane whirlwind of craziness, drama, intense love/hate, and in the end… extreme sadness. I had taken 3 guns away from him, endured overdoses, hospitalizations, calling in to work to “watch him”, physical violence (towards him), mental abuse, and threats. I came home to our pictures shredded in a billion little pieces… took drugs away from him and paid the price for doing so. I watched him put a gun in his mouth and closed my eyes waiting to hear the blast. It was the worst, yet most passionate love. When we broke up, it was mutual. I flew him back to his hometown and waited for the other shoe to drop. It took 2 1/2 months and then I got the call. On my voice mail I heard, “This is _____, please call me. I love you”. A good friend had called me to tell me the horrible news. I laid on my bedroom floor crying, unable to move, unable to believe, unable to breathe. I had tried for so long to keep him alive and I learned such a hard lesson with him: 1. You can’t change someone, and 2. You can’t save someone from them-self. It took me a long time to stop thinking of him every second of every day…. a long time to stop dreaming of him. And it took a long time for me to see his face again… for some reason it got hard to see his face in my mind. I could remember his smell, voice, jokes, anything and everything except his face.
At his funeral service, I was frantic because everyone was putting something in his casket and I had nothing to put in. His cousin looked right at me and said “why put anything in? He already has your heart”…. Sometimes I fear he was buried with it…
“It messed me up. Need a second to breathe.” ~ written in May 2010
© bipolarmuse 2010
“Success isn’t a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.” Arnold H. Glasow
I want to live by this philosophy!
How many times will I allow myself to be burned by not following through and completing something. I set goals, perhaps too many, and make them completely unattainable. Would that just be part of who I am?? As a child, I wanted to be rich and famous… how attainable is that?
My Father too was unable to complete anything. He couldn’t be what he needed for me and my Sister. A complete asshole by my definition, yet I still struggle and miss him. I still love him and long for him… though it can never be.
Sadly he died 6 years ago. Every option of knowing him, forgiving him, telling him “I love you” was removed from me. I desperately would love for him to know that I have grown and learned and that I no longer hate him…. never did. I have learned the important lesson of loving without the expectation of anything being returned.
I love you Dad… and I hope you fell into eternal sleep with peace and sweet dreams of Star and me. ♥ ~ written April 2010